


desiderium

by starxreactor



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Aphasia, Bittersweet Ending, Brain Damage, Hurt Tony, M/M, Post-Divorce, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Traumatic Brain Injury, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 07:03:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18493840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starxreactor/pseuds/starxreactor
Summary: des·i·de·ri·um | \ ˌdesəˈdirēəm, -ezə-\an ardent desire or longing; especially: a feeling of loss or grief for something lost-Years had passed when Steve got the call.It was an accident, Pepper had explained, he’s in the hospital now. Steve didn’t catch the rest of her words, too focused on the creeping panic that was biting at his heart. No, not Tony. Not when they’d parted like – that.It was the first time Steve had dared to think of his first name in years.





	desiderium

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TinyFuryCloud](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyFuryCloud/gifts).



> This is for the lovely Fury's birthday. I love you sweetheart, and happy birthday! Hope you enjoy this fic. <3
> 
> Please note that the way Steve treats and thinks about Tony is not healthy. Although it is understandable it is essentially shaming and victim blaming, and I do not condone that in any way. Thank you loves.
> 
> Definition of desiderium taken from the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
> 
> Thanks to [FreyaS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaS/pseuds/FreyaS) and [duckmoles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/duckmoles/pseuds/duckmoles) for the betaing!
> 
> Check out their fics as well!

Years had passed when Steve got the call.

It was an accident, Pepper had explained, he’s in the hospital now. Steve didn’t catch the rest of her words, too focused on the creeping panic that was biting at his heart.  _ No, not Tony.  _ Not when they’d parted like –  _ that _ .

It was the first time Steve had dared to think of his first name in years.

  
  
  


  
It hadn’t even been an accident during a battle or some sort of heroic act as Iron Man.

Some idiot had gotten drunk in the middle of the day.

One moment, Tony had been smiling as he chatted on the phone while crossing the street, the next he was lying on the ground, a pool of crimson spreading around his head like a halo. His body was twisted up like a marionette thrown on the ground.

The news was unavoidable. The video was everywhere, playing it without a care in the world, making a mockery of something that should have been private.

What did it say about him that he also watched? That he refused to rip his eyes away from the flailing body that went up into the air only to land on the asphalt with a sickening crack? That he had studied every break, every wound that was painted on Tony?

His arm was twisted in such a way that the bone was poking out, and Steve nearly lost his lunch right then and there.

Steve wondered what he would have done had he been there. Would he have just stared numbly, asking why Tony wouldn’t get up? Or would he have jumped into action?

Worse, what if he just let it happen and walked away?

They weren’t lovers, after all. They barely tolerated each other.

  
  
  
  


Steve is only allowed to see Tony once while he’s in the hospital, and that’s only because Pepper and Rhodey hadn’t wanted him to get shocked by Tony’s condition if he saw him after he was discharged.

The words “brain damage” ring in his head. Tony’s always been so larger than life, so… fast-paced and sharp. He can’t reconcile it with the Tony he’s looking at now.

His face is pale, marred with fading bruises that tint his skin an ugly yellow-green color. Half of his hair is shaved off to make room for the bandages that cover his temple.

Tony himself is barely responsive, eyes flickering this way and that but not focusing on anything. He doesn’t even seem to notice Steve. His lips form shapes but no sound comes out.

It was the left hemisphere that was impacted. That was all he really understood, before the words started to spout off into things like “parietal” and “Broca’s area” and he decided he was better off not knowing.

Tony would have understood.

“Can you hear me, Tony?” Steve tries.

Tony’s eyes flicker back in his direction but beyond that there’s no response.

Steve wonders if this is all a dream.

  
  
  
  


Eventually, Tony recovers enough to come home.

“Recover” is hardly the right term.

He’s still barely capable of walking, he can’t control his movements, and he can barely talk. He seems to comprehend what others say to him, but his responses refuse to come out of his mouth.

“It’s aphasia,” Pepper says to him while they watch Rhodey try to teach Tony basic words. Steve idly wonders when the two of them willingly started talking to him again. “Broca’s area is responsible for speech production and it got damaged. But Wernicke’s area, which is for speech comprehension, is just fine. That’s why he understands us – to an extent – but what he says makes no sense.”

“So he’ll never be able to speak again,” Steve says.

Tony stutters out an, “A… abb,” for apple, and Rhodey visibly lights up.

Pepper shakes her head, crossing her arms over her chest. “No, he might be able to speak. It’ll just be very limited. And that’s not all the problems he has.”

Tony, who could once speak in circles around everyone, who was fluent in at least five different languages.

Who has a worse vocabulary than a preschooler.

  
  
  
  


Steve still doesn’t know the full extent of damage done to Tony. He barely sees him, anyway. Pepper and Rhodey don’t want him around Tony, not after what he did all those years ago.

After their divorce, Tony moved out of the tower. To this day, Steve doesn’t know why Tony didn’t just kick him out. It was  _ Tony’s  _ tower, after all. Instead, he left, taking Steve’s heart with him.

Pepper and Rhodey decided it might be better if Tony was in the tower. If someone decided to take advantage of his newfound vulnerability, he’d be better protected with the Avengers around. And they both knew the team wouldn’t do anything to hurt Tony. They had refused to take sides when everything happened, so they could be trusted.

Steve… could not.

  
  
  
  


A month after Tony came home, Pepper and Rhodey had apparently decided that Steve had behaved well-enough that he could be allowed near Tony.

He’d only seen him in passing until that point, so being exposed to the new Tony is… shocking.

Steve stares at Tony, searching for something to say. Tony gazes back, head tilted. His eyes are wide, innocent like a child’s. His hair has started to grow back on his left side, except for the long line where there are stitches. Tony would never have been caught dead looking like that.

Eventually, Steve forces out a, “How are you doing, Tony?”

Tony blinks, moving his mouth, shaping out the word, “N… nice.”

He remembers all the conversations they used to have, easy and light and full of love.

Steve nods, loosening up his muscles. He’s certain Tony can pick up on his tension. “That’s good. Great. Have you been learning your letters, Tony?”

Tony’s eyes brighten, and he jerks his head sharply.

“Could you…” Steve pauses, thinking of what else to say. “Could you recite them to me?”

Tony looks so excited to do it, like he’s five years-old and learning the alphabet for the first time.

Steve forces on a smile, plastic and strained. He blinks back his tears when Tony mixes up “M” and “N,” and completely skips over the letters from “R” to “V.”

He’s doing his best to cope with what happened to his brain, and that’s all that matters.

  
  
  
  


They did catch the asshole who did it. Immediately after finding out what happened, Natasha and Clint went out to search for the driver. Luckily, his license plate was caught on camera so it wasn’t hard.

The guy went missing, and no one particularly cared.

  
  
  
  


The aphasia isn’t the only thing that’s different about Tony. Steve did some research, and even if someone has Broca’s aphasia, they can still be the same in every other way, but that’s not what happened with Tony.

He’s more… childlike in his behavior. Innocent. Naïve. He’s prone to tantrums and needs help using the bathroom.

He can’t even add one plus one together.

The man who built the first Iron Man suit in cave, who invented an entire new element.

Now look at what he’s been reduced to.

  
  
  
  


Sometimes, Steve thinks Tony remembers him from before.

But then he realizes that Tony doesn’t even remember Rhodey or Pepper, and he tells himself it’s just wishful thinking.

Still, Tony feels safe with him. Rhodey tells him he’s always asking after Steve whenever he’s out on a mission, and when Steve is in the room Tony only has eyes for him.

Steve feels dirty whenever that happens. It’s not right, not after their divorce. Tony has no reason to like him. This is the most contact they’ve had since the divorce.

“He still loved you,” Rhodey tells him one day while Steve is helping Tony eat. Steve nearly drops the spoon just as it reaches Tony’s lips, and it’s only his reflexes that prevent him from spilling everything onto Tony’s lap.

“What do you mean?” Steve asks, gaze still focused on Tony, who happily takes a bite of oatmeal. He doesn’t seem to realize they’re speaking about him.

“He always loved you,” Rhodey says. “Even after everything that happened he couldn’t stop.”

Steve scoops another portion of oatmeal. “He shouldn’t have.”

Rhodey’s voice is soft. “Didn’t  _ you _ still love him?”

“Please stop talking,” Steve says as Tony swallows down the food, eyes sparkling as he stares at Steve like he hung the moon. This Tony doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know what Steve did.

  
  
  
  


The truth is, Steve really did keep loving Tony. He just – doesn’t understand why Tony would. Steve was awful to him. 

Tony should have hated everything about Steve. He should have torn apart every memory he had with him, forgotten his face. And yet – Steve hasn’t been able to get Rhodey’s words out of his head.

_ He still loved you. _

How could Tony still love him?

  
  
  
  


This is how:

_ Tony had always been fascinated with the ideal of Captain America. Even in his darkest times – when he convinced himself that Captain America should never have existed, that if he ever did come back the first thing Tony would do is punch him in those perfect teeth – he was still obsessed with him. _

_ It took months after their explosive first meeting for Tony to realize that Captain America was nothing. It was Steve Rogers who mattered. Steve Rogers, who stumbled over his words when talking to someone he was attracted to, who could create a masterpiece using nothing but a pencil. Steve Rogers, the hero. _

_ After that, Tony couldn’t help falling for him. Steve helped him be a better version of himself, to stop drinking simply because he  _ cared _. He was a shining paragon of virtue. _

_ Even through it all, everything that led to their breakup, Tony couldn’t help but love him. After their divorce, as much as Tony tried to cover up his heart, there were still cracks in the shield where his love bled through. _

_ Why wouldn’t he love Steve? It wasn’t as though Tony was faultless in the divorce. It was all his fault, actually. If he had just listened– _

_ Never mind that. _

_ Point was, Tony still loved Steve Rogers and would until the end of time, even if Steve hated him. _

_ God, he was pathetic. He needed a drink. _

  
  
  
  


It all comes to a head five months after the accident. It’s Steve’s turn to take care of Tony, because Pepper was in meetings all day and Rhodey was busy with the military.

They’d had a good day so far. Tony was excited by the smiley face on his pancake, and then they spent a little time going over flashcards. Tony can count to ten now, which Steve is excited about. He’s so proud of him.

Afterwards, they watched some mindless Disney movie that Steve couldn’t even remember the name of, but Tony had been entranced. Steve can almost imagine the same thing happening with their own kid, except – that’ll never happen now. It stopped being a hope the moment the divorce papers were laid on the table.

Now, they’re looking at old pictures because Tony found them somewhere and he insisted on looking through them. Steve doesn’t want to, he really doesn’t, but in the end he’s weak to Tony. He’ll always listen.

They flip through the album, Steve pointing out each and every Avenger. The pictures were taken years ago, back when they first became a team and were still getting to know each other. Before he and Tony had even started dating.

Tears prick at his eyes as he looks through the memories. They had been so happy. What happened to all of that?

Steve can see the moment when he and Tony got together. Suddenly, Tony was all over him, half the photos are ruined by the two of them gazing at each other lovingly, and there are several selfies from their third date at Coney Island. Tony had snapped one just as he pressed a kiss to Steve’s cheek, only for Steve to grab the phone and take another as he kissed Tony on the lips.

It was their first kiss, and it was documented for them to remember.

Tony points at it inquisitively, blinking up at Steve in confusion. In that moment, his eyes are so wide and curious that Steve is taken back to before, and he wants to kiss him again. But he can’t, he no longer has the right to.

“Yeah,” Steve says softly, “that’s us.”

“Us…?” Tony looks bewildered at that, like he can’t fathom the thought. He probably can’t. 

_ Tony can’t fathom much of anything anymore _ , Steve bitterly thinks.

“Why…” Tony screws up his face, concentrating hard, “mouth?”

_ Why are we kissing?  _ Steve automatically translates.

It’s that moment that breaks Steve more than anything else, because Tony doesn’t even remember all the history they share. It’s not – he’s not – he pushes aside the album, ignoring Tony’s confused and shocked pleas as he stalks away to his room.

Steve collapses onto his bed, gulping in breath after breath in an attempt to calm himself and stop the tears from falling.

That’s not his Tony.

His Tony was lost to him long ago – no longer will they wake up side by side smiling at each other, no longer will Steve feel the slide of Tony’s body against his own, no longer will they laugh and joke and  _ love _ .

Suddenly, it’s as though all the feelings he had repressed over the past few years are spilling out even as he tries to hold them back, dripping through the cracks between his fingers.  

He  _ loathes  _ this Tony, what he’s done to Steve, to their relationship. If it wasn’t for–

_ how can you think that? what are you saying? none of this is his fault you selfish FUCK _

–him they would still be happy.

Steve might be having a breakdown, he realizes, curled up into a ball and limbs shaking. The tears spill down his cheeks, while he fights to take in deep breaths.

_ ha wouldn’t that be funny? maybe i’ll go insane. maybe i am insane. maybe i imagined everything and tony is okay _

He can’t – he can’t–

_ TONY _

  
  
  
  


Rhodey is the one who finds him, trembling under his bed. There are tear tracks on his face, traces of salt left behind. 

“Rogers?” Rhodey’s voice is soft, but steady. Grounded. “What are you doing down there?”

“I – I–” Steve runs his tongue over his lips, trying to wet them after how dry they’ve become. “I don’t know.”

“Well, get out from there.” Rhodey’s tone holds no space for protest, and Steve listens. He crawls out from under the bed, feeling idiotic. “Man, you really need to let it go.”

“Let – what?”

Rhodey looks at him, unamused. Steve wonders if it’s the same look he used to give to Tony – before. “You know what I’m talking about. Figure it out. It’s not the end of the world. We’re all struggling here.”

“I… I can’t.” Steve morosely sits down on the side of his bed. His thoughts are clearer from whatever happened to him earlier, but he just – he still feels it. He feels the ache in his chest that developed the same time those damn divorce papers were signed; he feels the pain that’s only been exacerbated by the realization that the Tony he loves is gone forever, lost to time and only present in memories.

He’ll never get his Tony back again.

Rhodey sighs and seats himself next to Steve. “You have to. For both your sakes.”

Steve frowns, glancing down at his lap where his hands are clasped together. He wishes Tony was holding them, the way he used to whenever Steve felt too cold. His hands were smaller, never managed to fully cover Steve’s, but whenever Tony held them,  he felt infinitely warmer, like a ember had sparked up inside of his heart. 

“I’ll try,” is all he says eventually.

  
  
  
  


He misses the man he loves.

He’s not the same. Steve is getting repetitive by this point, but Tony is  _ not the same _ . He never will be, and Steve is stuck mourning for a death he was never prepared for.

Tony hums as he takes up another bite of the pancake, smiling at Steve with sticky lips and sparkling eyes. They’re the color of the maple syrup, golden brown and glittering.

For some reason, Steve can’t help but fixate on this one fact.

Tony’s eyes are the only thing about him that’s the same. They were always too expressive before, and that hasn’t changed even now.

  
  
  
  


Tony gets upset the longer he’s awake. It had been a particularly bad day for Steve, and he was so absorbed in his own problems that he’d forgotten to put Tony down for nap – because that’s something he needs, now. It’s ostensibly to help his recovery along, but Steve doesn’t think there’s much left to recover. Most of the pieces of Tony scattered along that road were lost to the wind.

And so Steve’s day hasn’t gotten any better, because Tony is refusing to sleep now that his nap time has passed, and he’s shouting and crying and throwing things.

  
  
  
  


He’s so very tired.

  
  
  
  


_ why did this have to happen _

  
  
  
  


Tony shows Steve a drawing he made. “Eyes, Steeb!” he exclaims excitedly, shoving the paper in Steve’s face with shaking hands. 

It’s a blob of scribbles – of red and blue. If Steve squints, he thinks he can make out an arm somewhere. “It’s amazing, Tony,” he says, gently taking the drawing from Tony.

Rhodey had suggested that Tony take up drawing – maybe it would help the tremors in his hands.

Steve doesn’t think it’s working.

  
  
  
  


Steve tore the paper up.

He didn’t mean to, but he had been so frustrated. With himself, with Tony, with fate. He’d lashed out at the closest reminder of his predicament he had.

And now the proof of Tony’s innocent love is ripped up, all jagged edges and crooked corners.

Steve destroys everything he touches. It’s what happened to their marriage five years ago.

  
  
  
  


Tony is upset when he finds out. Steve didn’t even expect him to remember the drawing because his memory is not that great, but apparently it’s still good enough.

What follows is a huge meltdown, the worst they’ve had since Tony came back from the hospital eight months ago.

“You need therapy, Steve,” Pepper tells him once Tony has calmed down. She came in at the last second, and Tony immediately latched onto her, still screaming. “What you’re doing is not fair to yourself  _ or  _ Tony.”

  
  
  
  


_ as if therapy will fix anything _

  
  
  
  


Steve is a monster. He knows that now. 

  
  
  
  


A few days later, Steve tucks Tony into bed, the entire incident forgotten for now. He sleeps in his own bed, despite his protests. Steve doesn’t want this new Tony in the bed he shared with the old one, and he doesn’t really know why Pepper and Rhodey and the other Avengers refused. 

Possibly to give Tony some sort of independence. Steve doesn’t really know. He doesn’t know much of anything.

“Night,” Tony mumbles, already half asleep.

“Goodnight, Tony,” Steve says, bending down to give him a kiss on his forehead.

  
  
  
  


Tomorrow is another day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr at [scaryy-noodles](https://scaryy-noodles.tumblr.com)! Note: I'm not going to be active until after I see Endgame on the 25th to avoid spoilers.
> 
> Also, join me and my friends on this [18+ Stony Discord](https://discord.gg/TpCN2A2) we made. :)


End file.
